A Message from Tiff

Holy shit, I'm back. Briefly, but back with something to say. I love you, my cherries. 

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SPEAKER_00 0:11

Hey everyone, it's Tiff. It is the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep because I was watching videos of myself on the pod, just the clips from the beginning of when I started. I got stuck in a hole. I really needed to see that because it reminded me of what the podcast started as, which was me just being me. Me needing some sort of creative outlet. I'm watching these old videos of myself. They're not even that old. And I'm just, I'm like, what a cutie pie. What a little interviewer. What a little excited human being that's fun to talk to. Like, where did she go? Where's the shine? Where's the shimmer? Somewhere along the line, I got lost in making content in what people thought in producing a highly structured and organized podcast. And you know, if you're a cherry, that there's segments, there's songs, there's guests, a release schedule, there's an email, there's clips. It all started to feel like too much when I started working full-time. However, now I've been at my job for two years, pouring everything I have into it, and I've lost my spark. I kind of lost the point. I have been putting this off because I'm scared to step back on the roller coaster. Because what if I can't get off the roller coaster? I can't come back the same. I can't produce the same level. I can't do it for the reasons I started doing it for. I'm scared to start that all again. But the thing is, I can do whatever I want whenever I want. And while it's great that people listen and I want people to listen, it's actually okay to not think about that. In fact, I need to. And I just feel so inspired right now to just free associate and say how I actually feel. It's been about a year and a half almost since I recorded last. Well, that's not true either, because my dad was here visiting and we recorded an episode then. And I was rusty. Like I didn't even know the technology. I lost one of my mics somehow. I haven't even touched it in terms of editing yet. Because I just keep thinking, what time? What time? Like the last thing I want to do after work is edit. And the weekends are just full and it's just this cycle. But I'm not happy and I'm not doing well. I'm forgetting that it's my life and I can change that. When did it all become about just being good and doing what I'm supposed to do every single day? And who cares if I don't have anything left for myself at the end of the day? Wanted to be a good girl. Like that sounds creepy, but that's what it is. That's some old shit. You know? That's some old shit. I miss my favorite part about the podcast, which was just being myself, connecting with others, and celebrating that. That's it. Like, that's it. I have a tricky relationship with Instagram, with social media, with numbers. Really quickly, I get lost in what people think about me. And it's so annoying to hear, I'm sure. It's so annoying to say. I'm an adult. I'm turning 34 this year. I still struggle with it. I've gotten way better at it, but it's still a thing. I just want to feel seen and heard. I want to feel liked, but like, I gotta let that go because I like me. And I'm realizing that something needs a change in my life. Right now, I should be in bed. I have this strict like go to bed by nine so that you can be okay for the next day, and da-da-da-da. And it's like I'm now working out three to four times a week. I'm just on such a schedule that I don't let myself live. Like I'm exhausted with not living, and I'm doing stuff all the time, but I'm just going through the motions and I'm trying to show up my best. I am a shell of myself, burnt out. I think you can even hear it in my voice. I'm letting me down. I'm not having fun, I'm not having joy, I'm not depressed. I wouldn't even say I'm anxious. I just feel kind of meh. I don't even want to get into it because I'm like, the world is on fire. No one wants to hear me say, it's hard. And I'm so grateful for so many things. That's the thing. I just wish I could get out of my way a little bit, feel a little bit more grounded. I have thoughts about what I can change and I'm working on that, but I miss you guys. I miss the cherries. I miss all of it. I even find myself wanting to say, I'm sorry that I've been gone, because to build a loyal listener base like I had felt like I was letting him down. Especially because I really did think that I was just gonna take a couple months off like I did between seasons, and then it just felt like the easiest thing to cut. Now I'm putting all of my energy dollars into my job, and I just feel exhausted, and I don't know why I'm doing that. Now I don't know how to get off that roller coaster. I've been experimenting with speaking up, being honest, trying different things. Since I've seen you last, I've been out of therapy, I've been back in therapy, trying to have a baby, had a miscarriage. That's kind of like super heavy to just drop out of nowhere, but it's real. That took me a while to get through. I actually did record a podcast when I found out I was pregnant. It's like 20 minutes, and it was just my thoughts on how I felt for the first time, like I was in the right spot and I knew I was ready to be a mom. All of that obviously ended. And that was a lot to go through, but I truly do feel as healed as I can be in this exact moment from that. I had a lot of support through it. At the end of the day, all I want is a healthy baby. So, you know, some people don't believe everything happens for a reason. Whether you say it in those exact words or something similar, I do believe that in a sense that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and things happen as they needed to, which I guess is the exact same fucking thing. I don't know. But yeah, I feel lost, I feel scared because I know I need to make changes and I know that's gonna bring discomfort. I don't know what any of this means. I didn't expect to even go here tonight, but this is what I felt called to do, and I'm just gonna go with that, you know? The authentic me. I'm not putting on a show, I'm not hamming it up right now, I'm just being. And I feel like it's been too long and I needed to say something. I did meet with Matt, who, if you recall, was my friend who is an old coworker of mine who worked in the haunted house business. That's not what it's called, the haunting industry. Anyway, he started his own company called Bonfire PR, and it's all about marketing. And I had a consult call with him because he has a successful podcast that he releases every single week and has for several years. And we talked about ways to trim producing this down, what that would actually look like. So I have a plan to move forward. I just need to execute it, but again, I'm just scared to come on here and be like, all right, I'm back. Because what if I can't do it every week? What if I can't do it every two weeks? What if? But then I remember I can do whatever I want. People will listen or they won't. It's not about any of that. And that's part of why the podcast is such a good challenge for me to just be myself. But that's what I'm working towards. I have so many ideas for guests, and I want them all back. That's gonna happen. But scheduling those interviews and doing those things and da-da-da-da-da like I just can't do it the same. So I'm figuring it out. I do plan to come back. I do feel called to it, and I miss my little cherries, my maraschinos, my cup of tief. So anyway, a thing that's bugging right now is kind of me. But I know that's not helpful. What I'm trying to say is I'm not the same person I was when I started the show, when I left the show, even yesterday. I'm excited to see who this new person is moving forward. I have a lot to tell you, and I also have like nothing to say at the same time. It's so wild. I want to say everything and I also want to say nothing. But I'm gonna say something. Eventually. Maybe I don't have the time to make songs, but if I want to, I will. And if I don't, I don't. Somewhere I started with a fun song, and then it was like, well, I gotta create an album. And it's like, what? That was so fun, but like at the end I started to push it because I'm like, well, I have to have enough for an album, so I just gotta keep going. And it's like, bro, I just wanted to make that song. It could have been that, you know, could have left it there. Also, Harper is next to me and she is so annoyed. She's like, it is fucking 12 30. I'm sleeping. Shut the fuck up. I love her so much. And even that, sometimes I'm like, I I can't sit here and pet you for 15 minutes because I've got so much. It's like, what is life about if not to pet your dog? Dishes can weigh, girl. She has been waiting for you all day to get off work. I'm stuck in a little prison in my head. I already just when I said that thought of a song. I'm stuck in a little prison in my head. That's not how it would go, you know, like low-key fire. Yeah. And don't you worry. Me and the mic. The mic and me. We are one. Anyway, this is short. I just wanted to say what I'm thinking. I will be back. Oh yes. I'm honestly just like, even right now, trying to find like something funny or something to end it beautifully or tighten the bow. I just can't. I yeah, yay, yay. I gotta go to bed. So, love you. Excited to connect again. And stay tuned. Baby.